How to keep a girlfriend ... Keen!

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognise the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewellery is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "f@ ck you!" and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard.

9. When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

10. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.

11. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

12. Warm her up when she's cold... but not by giving her your jacket because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

13. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

14. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny... why shouldn't girls?

15. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things (like pumping iron).

16. Spit often. Girls like guys that spit.

17. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

18. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. She'll look for the missing item for hours, this will keep her on her toes.

19. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

20. Look her in the eyes and smile, whisper lovey dovey stuff into her ear, then punch her in the face. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

21. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it (but not a sexy cologne smell... a bad smell. (You know what I'm talking about).

22. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

23. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

24. If you're listening to music with earphones on and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

25. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

26. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's coming over on a rubbish day, leave the wheely bin open and have the present visibly sticking out of the top. Girls actually don't like this one that much, but guys think it's funny.

27. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you said you would, promise her that you will call her at a certain time the next day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really pissed off when you don't call.