DIVORCE AGREEMENT
Dear Australian Laborites, leftists, social progressives,
socialists,
Marxists, Ruddites and Gillard, et al:
We have stuck
together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the
whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I
want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for
the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has
clearly run its course.
Our two
ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on
what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We
can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our
own way.
Here is a model
separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each
taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am
sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it
should be relatively easy!
Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets
since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like
redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the
ACTU, the Fabian Society and
every member of Emily’s List. Since you hate guns and war, we'll
take our firearms, the cops and the military. We'll take the nasty,
smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel.
You can keep the ABC left wingers (particularly Kerry O'Brien) and
Bob Brown. You are, however, responsible for finding an electric
vehicle big enough to move all of them
We'll keep
capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies,
Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved
lifelong welfare dwellers, dole bludgers, homeless, homeboys,
hippies, druggies and boat people. We'll keep the budgie smuggling,
bike riding, volunteer firemen and
lifesavers, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and the
churches and give you SBS and
the Greens.
You can make
peace with Iran,
Palestine and the Taliban and we'll retain the right to stand up and
fight when threatened. You can have the greenies and war protesters.
When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help
provide them security.
We'll keep our
Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology,
Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have
the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the
4WDs, utes and V8s. You can take every hybrid hatchback you can
find.
We'll keep
"Waltzing Matilda" and our National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy
to keep in tune with Peter Garrett as he sings "Imagine", "I'd Like
to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya", "We Are The World" and his
recent big solo hit “Beds and Batts are Burning”.
We'll practice
trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up
poverty your best shot. Since
it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our
flag.
Would you agree
to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded
conservative Australians and if you do not agree, just hit delete.
In the spirit of
friendly parting, I'll bet you which one of us will need
whose help in 15
years.
Sincerely,
John Wall
Australian Law
Student
P.S. Also, please
take Lindsey Tanner, Wayne Swan, Alan Griffin, John
Faulkner, Kevin Rudd and Jenny Macklin with you.
P. S. S. And you
won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.
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